Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Planet - May 5, 2013

Apparently eating slightly more healthy may help stall climate change. During Earth Week, measurements of carbon dioxide emissions surpassed 400 parts per million. A recent study claims that by reducing consumption of animal products by twenty-five percent would essentially stall the process of climate change. So , eat your damn burgers but every fourth one make it a veggie burger please. You'll be healthier, live longer, and you won't piss me off. All good, especially the pissing off part.
Of course, whenever there's a way to help stave off severe weather patterns and global warming, you know someone has the job of confusing the issue. Science deniers over at the FOX fools network decided to interview Joe the bastard, I mean Joe Bastardi, who once again perverted the science on climate by pointing to a late snow storm. Because you know, that's all it takes. One freak weather pattern means all the science is gibberish, even if he never mentioned the intense heat wave last year, doesn't mention the arctic ice meltdown, and doesn't even throw in the La Nina weather pattern that is effecting the U.S. with cooler temperatures. Hey, when your audience has less intelligence than the rocks in your garden, who cares?
Yet on another front, milk consumption is down again. For the last twenty years milk has been on a downhill slide. If more people gave up on copious amounts of dairy, that would help the planet as well. Factory farms polluting the environment and cranking out tons of poisoned dairy just isn't embraced by mother earth. 
Of course, our friendly theists, given a chance, will fuck up this world and every living thing on it. If you believe that the world has a set day to end, what does it matter that we're destroying it ourselves? As an example of how pervasive the thought is, in 2010, the chairman of the Subcommittee on Environment and the Economy stated the "the earth will end only when god declares it to be over."
Christian conservatism at it's best. No worries, god's in charge. Any action taken cannot destroy what will be destroyed by that big fluffy thing that resides in their wittle minds.
Jim Porter takes over as the new president of the NRA,(Needle-nozzle Rat-faced  Asswipes). Jim calls the Civil War the "War of Northern Agression." You thought the last guy was a little strange? This guy says he believes that civilians should be taught how to fire military weapons so they're ready to defend the country when called upon, or better yet, ready to contest tyranny. Obama is a fake president and this guy is digging in to fight the battle. I'd join the NRA to get close enough to this guy to spit on him, but I hear to be a member these days you have to cut off your balls and worship the Buddha-bellied Porter to join. I hope he digs a big trench to defend himself against the "tyrannical government" running the show these days; at least we'd have a chance to bury this perfect example of a "big gun little dick" neanderthal.
Conservative controlled Kansas is ready to embrace Mr. Porter with laws that would make it a felony to enforce federal gun laws. Not to be outdone, and for our great amusement, Arizona has decided to add legislation to the existing laws prohibiting local governments from destroying weapons. Oh joy. Voluntarily surrendered guns will not be destroyed, but sold back to the public or used by the police force. Get rid of those animals on the endangered species list and replace them with one endangered specie, guns. Savage people need savage slogans, maybe something easily understood by the nattering, reality show watching, cousin fucking inbreds that seem to enjoy this nonsense. I'll let them come up with it, why help stupid?
And stupid exists. The Needle-nozzle Rat-faced Asswipes have another great concept to protect the home. Store your guns in your little idiot offspring's bedroom. That's the ticket. Just in case little Bobby can't find the gun hidden in the house somewhere, show him right where he can find it. The thought behind this is if there is an intruder, do you want to run around the house getting a gun, or run to your child's room to protect him. Just put the gun in Jimmy's closet, all is good.
The Needle-nozzle Rat-faced Asswipe convention in Houston Texas had some great stuff for women. Since women are more anti-gun then men, the professors of advertisement have come up with some really cool shit. My favorite so far is women's underwear holsters. Yes, that brassiere that one may think holds a couple of fun loving puppies, may now also contain a lovely pink gun and matching holster. I am all in favor of this new development; I mean, can you imagine being on the street where there's a lady defending some damn thing by stripping so she can reach that gun? You'll be able to spot them ahead a time, they're the ones driving the vehicle with a bumper sticker proclaiming that "I Carry a Gun, A Cop is Too Heavy!"
With recent killing of children in schools, capitalist America responds. No, we're not doing background checks or limiting magazines, no sir. We are now producing Bulletproof Whiteboards! For only 300 dollars you can have a whiteboard for lessons, and self-defense. 
The Onion has an NRA schedule of events posted here. They probably think it's a great joke, and it is, but I think of it as being too close to reality for comfort. Here's a few to get you started:
The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:
  • 12 p.m.: Welcoming introduction video from President Obama
  • 12:30 p.m.: Security forced to hold back squealing teenage girls in attendance as Wayne LaPierre takes stage
  • 12:35 p.m.: Quick joke about how everyone in attendance must have passed a background check to warm up the crowd
  • 1 p.m.: Most unconscionable words you could ever imagine met with enthusiastic cheers from thousands of people
  • 3 p.m.: Remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook with an extended moment of loud, scrambling excuse-making
  • 6 p.m.: Reasoned, level-headed debate on whether the Second Amendment continues to hold relevance
The year of 2013 brings us more bills to set the clock backwards hundreds of years, all made possible by our theist friends. Montana, Missouri, Oklahoma, Indiana, (the Mississippi of the north), and Arizona are all trying to infiltrate the public school systems with creationism once again. We keep striking it down, but they never quit. It's like the never ending supply of protestors at abortion clinics; the fun never stops. 
Louisiana's Governor Bobby Jindal would like to seecreationism taught side by side with evolution. His statement, "what are we afraid of," deserves a little bit of thought; very little. We're sure not scared of your fantasies about how the world began, we know it as a truth that this is false. All we're afraid of is raising another generation of imbeciles that will continue to destroy all that is good.
I know that some of this may sound a little far-fetched, but all you have to do is listen to Mr. Romney. Recently Mitt advised the graduating class of Southern Virginia University to graduate and then have a load of young ones. The Quiver Full philosophy to keep you women home and useless continues without hardly a blip on the left's radar.

Here's one little example of how race is still used as talking points for the ugly white Americans who still exist in this country. Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern says she's seen "a lot of people of color who didn't study hard because they said the government would take care of them." State Representative Leslie Osborn proposed the constitutional amendment that would eliminate the use of Affirmative Action in the state government. Kern, deciding she had room in her mouth for her other foot as well, continued boldly into the twilight zone by arguing that minorities earn less because they don't work as hard. Whoa nilly, the ride is getting bumpy. She also states that "we have a high percentage of blacks in prison and that's tragic, but are they in prison because they are black or because they don't want to study as hard in school?" Kern was a teacher, so relies on first hand experience. Black americans are basically lazy fools who get what they deserve. 
She's not new to controversy, she also introduced a bill to ban Sharia law and another that would allow creationism in public schools. Her thoughts on gays are as obnoxious, "gays are infiltrating city councils and are the biggest threat our nation has."
Hey thinking ladies, some of your gender makes me sick. No more than my own, just saying.
Time for tequila.

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